TrolleyBUZZSept042003

And that'll do it.
Blah blah blah, great week.
Blah blah blah, appreciate it.
Blah blah blah, next week.
Blah blah blah, somebody shoot me.

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This week's sordid tale begins with THESE UNDERPANTS. Obviously unhappy with their lot in life, they have decided to attempt an escape. That a pair of tiny underpants have thoughts, dreams, emotions, and a life of their own comes as no surprise to...

THIS MAN,
Tom "The Underpants Hunter" Schmelman. For years his peers have mocked and jeered his crackpot theories about underpants and what they're up to. But, NO MORE! Now he has video of these underpants desperately trying to pry themselves out of these buttocks! Tom is certain he's got the proof he needs! But that will make no difference to...

THIS MAN, Mike "The Sleepy Bastard" Plitnick, also known as Mr. Underpants. He has foiled every effort to legitimize the work of The Underpants Hunter so that he can enslave the world's entire Sentient Underpants population without getting involved in a costly civil rights struggle. Once he successfully discredits Tom "The Underpants Hunter" Schmelman and corners the world supply of intelligent underpants he will brutally train them and turn them into cheap labor, thus making a mega-fortune with...

THIS MAN, Gerry "The Sneaker" Whiplash. An international athletic shoe merchant and Kung Fu superstar, he has partnered with Mike Plitnick to sell his Intelligent Enslaved Underpants Servants to the world. He does this out of anger, and in the name of revenge! He has been scorned in love by...

THESE WOMEN, Sarah and Laurie. Gerry Whiplash is equally in love with each of them, and now obsessively seeks to pay them back for refusing his love. To do this he will spread the Smart Underpants throughout the world, which will annoy Sarah and Laurie since they never ever where any underpants. Which is contributing to the mental decline and emotional disruption of...

THIS MAN, Tim. Tim is not involved in this story except that he really, really loves the whole idea of beautiful women not wearing any underpants. Which makes him strongly dislike...

THESE WOMEN, Stephanie and Crystal. Tim is no fan of theirs. This is because - for reasons that no one can even begin speculate about - they both will often wear EXTRA pairs of underpants. Sometimes they will appear in public and at their jobs with as many as 20 to 30 sets of underpants between them. They are only indirectly involved in the story, bystanders really, but are Persons Of Interest to...

THESE VERY ATTRACTIVE (BUT EVIL) PEOPLE, Mark and Jessica. They are the true masterminds behind the entire International Underpants Cartel. Oddballs like Stephanie and Crystal are just the kind of Panty Addicts that fill Mark and Jessica's evil pockets with green. BUT! What will become of their awful empire if underpants become slaves? They will be RUINED! So they turn to the services of...

THIS MAN, Sully The Hammer.
A notorious hit man and stenographer, he is now hired by Mark and Jessica to eliminate Mike "The Sleepy Bastard" Plitnick and Gerry "The Sneaker" Whiplash, and end any threat to their wicked Panty Pusher crime syndicate. But as is often the case, it's not that simple. For you see Sully is deeply in love with...

THESE WOMEN, The Singing Homer Sisters. This oddly named musical group caught the national eye of the media with a novel hook for a singing trio - only one of them actually sings. Clair has a lovely voice and does the vocalizing, while Amanda and Emily simply walk around in stunned silence, drinking beer, scratching themselves, and belching. It was that combination of singing and belching that first drew Sully The Hammer to the love he feels for them now. Which is why it's so hard for him to do the job he was hired to do for Mark and Jessica. For you see The Singing Homer Sisters are indeed sisters. And their brother is...

THIS MAN, Mike "The Sleepy Bastard" Plitnick! How can Sully The Hammer deal death to the brother of the triplets that he loves? HE CANNOT! Instead he turns to...

THIS MAN, Angela/Angel "The Big Hanky" Slaughter.
This infamous cross dressing assassin is able to avoid detection through the quick trick of disguising himself as a beautiful woman at moments notice. He has claimed the nickname "The Big Hanky" because that's how he kills his victims. He will deal with Sully's hit with the help of...

THIS MAN, "Staring" Steve Hobbs. Also known as "Eyeballs" he will assist "The Big Hanky" in whacking Sleepy Bastard Plitnick, thus freeing Sully to marry the triplets. But before he can do that he must figure out a way to return the purse of...

THIS WOMAN...
Because she forgot it at The Trolley Stop and he found it. And, you know, it's a nice gesture to return something when you find it. Hmm. I don't think this has anything to do with the story. Yeah. I'm pretty sure this isn't part of the story. Anyway...

THESE GUYS are Klass and Shoom, members of a loosely organized gang of Underpants Freedom Fighters called Green Piece. They are aware of the underpants underworld and intend to blow the whole thing WIDE OPEN! Their goal is to expose the Panty Pushers and stop the enslavement of all the wonderful little underpants worldwide. This duel task is complicated somewhat due the fact that they both party pretty much non-stop, and it doesn't help that Shoom wears sunglasses in the dark (he falls down a lot). Their only ally in this quest is...

THIS MAN, Playboy Dave, who basically is involved because he really likes panties. And... that's pretty much it. Yep. Loves the underpants. Pour milk on em' and have a big bowl for breakfast if he could. So due to the fact that he loves the drawers and that he is INCREDIBLY heavily armed he's thrown his lot in with the Green Piece dudes and together they'll save the thongs or die trying. In all likelihood, the latter. Still, it should come as no surprise that...

THESE PEOPLE, think all of this is hilarious. They are the three merry pranksters who have spent a great deal of time convincing Tom "The Underpants Hunter" Schmelman that there are intelligent and self aware undergarments secretly roaming the world un-noticed. Brady, Marisa, and Andres have got a lot of free time a bad wiring between the ears. So if you think they're above doing a little voice throwing and panty wiggling to confuse a guy enough that he'll end up calling himself "The Underpants Hunter", think again. Of course they never dreamed they'd be this successful. Now they must STOP THE MADNESS! For that they turn to...

THIS MAN, media mogul and ladies man Jonathan "Badger Top" Price. It now falls to him to reveal the truth about the living intelligent underpants hoax and stop an international crime cartel from starting a bloodbath the likes of which hasn't been seen since Tomcat purchased a riding lawnmower. And he will do just that, right after he sucks a bald spot on Beth's head. How? How will he do that? By contacting and interviewing...

THESE WOMEN, Melanie and April. Especially April, who is the owner of the fake sentient panties. After a 3 hour interview April and Melanie confirmed that April's thong, while very high profile, did not possess intelligence. Perhaps a rudimentary desire to escape the trousers and run free, but that's about it. Which is why it was such a surprise when...

THESE UNDERPANTS spoke up and announced that Jonathan "Badger Top" Price had signed them to a long term management contract. Not only did the underpants mention that, but also that Jonathan had landed them a prime time interview special just like Barbara Walters (but without the soft focus and Vaseline on the camera lens). Not bad, for restless butt floss. WAY TO GO!